Blogs N' Roses

Where Are They Now Hot for Teacher Version

Craig Wettner — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 02:54:35 GMT

Remember the Hot for Teacher video by Van Halen? Of course you do, you brought your pencil. Yahoo News did a "where are they now" with the insanely hot teacher from the video who I slaughtered a bunch of kittens over. And you may be wondering...how does she look today?

Here is a reminder of what she used to look like back in the video

She was also in the Da Ya Think I'm Sexy video by Rod Stewart.

Her name is Lillian Muller, she's 60 and the things I would do to her body are illegal in all 48 contiguous states. I would rather not get sued by her people, so just head to her main site and check out her pictures. They are boner inducing.

David Lee Roth Interviews Van Halen

Craig Wettner — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 01:44:26 GMT

This needs no other introduction than the heading. And I made it nice and big for emphasis. It must be watched.

Van Halen Guitar Giveaway

Craig Wettner — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 01:39:44 GMT

We have teamed with Van Halen to sponsor a custom guitar giveaway, but it won't be easy. To celebrate the new release of the first new music from the band in over 20 years, they want to see your best shredding. Take a look at this video

There are a couple of ways to enter.

Submit your video as a YouTube response to the video above.
Submit your link to the Van Halen Tumblr account.
Click the banner below and post your entry in the box on the page.

The closest shredder to Eddie Van Halen will win the contest.

If all of that seems a bit ridiculous and you have no idea how to even play the guitar...like myself. I can, however, play the entire 1984 album on the triangle. If you want some free Van Halen swag, click the banner below and enter your information.

Bill Ward Leaves Black Sabbath Reunion

Craig Wettner — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 02:04:17 GMT

Bill Ward stepped out of the Black Sabbath reunion due to an "unfair contract." The upcoming Black Sabbath album currently being recorded, will not be a full blown Black Sabbath album. The only original members on the album will be Geezer Butler, Tony Iommi, and Ozzy Osbourne.

Bill felt he was not presented a "signable contract" and decided to pull out of the reunion.

Bill's son took to Facebook and had a lot to say. I will give you the highlights:

The press is spinning this shitstorm to read as if my dad has quit. This is not true. The guys know that. That's why they said the door is ALWAYS open.

My dad hasn't 'declined' playing with BLACK SABBATH or 'threatened' to pull out of this reunion. As he stated, his bags are packed and he's ready to go. He says it loud and clear, he definitely wants to play on the album and he definitely wants to tour.

Unfortunately, it's become personal with all these idiots slagging off my dad, so this is for the fucking morons saying, 'Get over it, Bill': My dad has 'gotten over it' again and again. He's risen above this bullshit thing called showbiz for the last 30 years.

Sharon Osbourne claims that Bill was fired and that he was replaced by Tommy Clufetos, Ozzy's solo band drummer. Bill Ward's son says that's false and those reports of Bill being fired are uncorroborated.

I can't make heads or tails out of this soap opera. On one hand, Bill Ward is the most replaceable member of Black Sabbath and to think the public cares if he's part of the reunion or not is a bit misguided. On the other hand, everyone deserves a real contract that is beneficial to them and not one sided.

I am a completist and would rather the original line up be on an album, if the original line up is alive. (Van Halen doesn't count because David Lee Roth and Eddie Van Halen trump the others). I hope Bill and the rest of Black Sabbath work this out. If you agre with me, you can join the Facebook protest in favor of Bill.

Metallica Announce a Two Day Festival

Craig Wettner — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 23:48:51 GMT

Metallica announced this afternoon a two day festival called the Orion Music + More festival. Besides the insanely stupid name, this idea was great in theory...shit in execution. Let me give you the details and bands and then attempt to express my outrage.

The Orion Music + More festival is supposed to be an annual festival headlined by Metallica featuring bands handpicked by the band plus a lifestyle element that reflects each of Metallica's band members many personal interests. The "lifestyle elements" haven't been announced yet, but you can just imagine it's shopping at A/X, watching your neighbor rape your dog, and banging on snare drums while eating bananas. I'll let you figure out which Metallica member represents what.

The festival will take place June 23-24 at Bader Field in Atlantic City, New Jersey. So come and see Metallica and their lifestyle elements in the city of filth and degenerates. Zippity Do Da. Metallica will headline each night and play Ride the Lightning in its entirety one night and The Black Album in its entirety. No one wants to hear The Black Album in its entirety....no one. Instead of giving us Master of Puppets or And Justice, we get the Black Album. I guess I should be thankful it wasn't Lulu or St. Anger.

Now for the bands and thank you to Metallica there is a convenient graphic.

Holy shit you read that right. A Metallica headlining festival with support from Avenged Sevenfold, The Arctic Monkeys, Titus Andronicus, Modest Mouse, Gaslight Anthem, and Cage the Elephant. I would rather have my balls slapped around by a seal than attend this hipster festival. When did Metallica become Lollapalooza?

Whether these bands have artistic and musician merits is not the issue. It's the fact that Metallica has a unique opportunity to fill a metal/hard rock void left by Ozzfest. We already have a hipster laden and lifestyle festival that takes place in Chicago or Indio, California every year. Lollapalooza and Coachella do just fine. Most of the bands Metallica has added to the bill have headlined or played Lollapalooza or Coachella in recent years.

We need a festival that exposes hard rock and metal acts to the masses like Ozzfest used to do. We need our own Download Festival! The only band capable of providing that type of festival is Metallica. But being Metallica, they take one step forward and 15 steps back. They released a good album (The Death Magnetic) then followed it with Lulu. They put on the Big 4 of Thrash and now have Metallica Hipster fest. The only way I can sum up my feelings about this festival is this:

The David Lee Roth Exorcism Kit

Craig Wettner — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 00:22:39 GMT

Do you have a friend who just insists Van Hagar is the true Van Halen? Is he consistently driving over or under 55 mph? Does he think OU812 and For Your Carnal Knowledge are hilarious responses and album titles? If so, he has probably been inhabited by the Red Rocker Demon.

The Red Rocker Demon is an evil succubus that turns otherwise sane Van Halen fans into ravenous Van Hagar fans. They insist the vocals of Sammy Hagar are higher and loftier than DLR's. They begin to drink Crystal Pepsi and start quoting Van Hagar love songs in Valentine's Day cards. But we here at BnR Products Incorporated have the proper solution, a Diamond David Lee Roth Exorcism kit.

The DLR Exorcism kit contains one bottle of Jack Daniels, one bottle of Cabo Wabo Tequila, one copy of Crazy from the Heat, one Spandex jump suit with tassels, an EMT patch, copy of Van Halen I, and a box of condoms. Your mom is not supplied with every DLR Exorcism kit, but is essential to expunge the spirit from your friend.

You need strap your possessed friend to the bed with hardy leather straps. They will struggle, but you are not hurting them. You are creating a better life for them sans the Red Rocker Demon's nefarious influence.

Once your friend is snugly strapped to the bed, place Van Halen I on repeat while your mom strips the bewitched friend. Once naked, have your mother place the EMT patch directly on the friend's heart while you begin to put on the exorcism vestments (the spandex one piece with tassels).

Take a swig of the Jack Daniels body and feed the rest of the bottle in small increments to your ensorcelled compatriot. Begin slowly reading passages from the bible Crazy from the Heat. Begin at chapter one. Once you reach chapter three of the book, begin to allow your chum to sip on Cabo Wabo Tequila. If your buddy continues to drink the tequila down, continue reading chapters from Crazy from the Heat. Repeat as necessary.

You will know when your friend is no longer possessed by the Red Rocker Demon because he will spit out the disgusting Cabo Wabo Tequila immediately. That is when you know the exorcism worked.

To officially cleanse the body of the Red Rocker Demon and prevent possession in the future, allow your friend to have sex with your mom*.

Legal terminology:

*Mom may be substituted with an older MILF where instances of "mom" can not be filled. Instances of places where "mom" can't be filled are: mom is no longer living, mom is physically unable to perform coitus, or mom is unwilling to copulate with your disgustingly overweight mouth breathing friend . An acceptable substitution has to be over the age of 35 and with at least one stretch mark. Quality of sex doesn't matter, only vaginal discharge needs to be deposited on the condomized shaft through insertion. Hookers may also be substituted. Purchase price does not include a hooker. Hookers not available in all states. Void where illegal.

The DLR Exorcism kit retails for $49.99 and is not available in Hawaii or Alaska.

Van Halen: A Different Kind of Truth Album Review

Craig Wettner — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 23:21:13 GMT

Van Halen hasn't released new music since their last album 1984. Some claim that they had two lead singers since David Lee Roth left the band, but this guy doesn't believe it. It's a myth. There is no Van Hagar or Gary Halen. This is the first release of original music from Van Halen with David Lee Roth and with it comes lofty expectations. Does A Different Kind of Truth live up to those expectations? I think so.

The lead single Tattoo was a polarizing song. It contains a lower vocal register from DLR, nonsensical lyrics about tattoos, and hardly any of the high harmonies Van Halen was known for. But I think the song is great and sounds even better on the album in my headphones. The sound is perfectly balanced, that familiar Eddie Van Halen guitar tone is back, and Wolfie and Alex rip it up on the rhythm.

Wolfie and Alex fashion some of the coolest grooves that may stand up against the Roth back catalog. The toe tapping grooves can be seen in a song like China Town and even the frenetic Bullethead. It has to be said though, Wolfie is no Michael Anthony. He can't hit the higher harmonies like Anthony could, which leaves some of the harmonies to fall flat. This may bother some of the Van Halen purists, but I took it as a natural progression in a band's history. There are moment of vintage Van Halen harmonies (let that alliteration breathe a bit....man that's good).

Some tracks are reworkings or retools of demo tapes, She's the Woman comes to mind. This blistering gregarious song sounds like an old-school Van Halen song and I suspect we will be seeing it work it's way into the setlist during the upcoming tour. It's that good of a song.

Purists won't like the reworking of old demos into new songs, but I think it's a brilliant use of music that existed at a time when the band was at their best. Why not take the songs that you wrote when you were at your creative apex?

Eddie's furious fretwork is still mind boggling. There are several points in songs like guitar solos on Big River and As Is where his finger work resembles a teenage boy in the back seat of a Trans Am with his girlfriend. Fast paced tapping toward an explosive orgasm.

The only song I don't like at all is The Trouble with Never. I just can't get into the groove and feel of this song. I have read other reviews by "Professionals" who feel that song is as Van Halen as you can get, but I just miss the point on it. While songs like Stay Frosty begin with a simple acoustic/vocal combination like Ice Cream Man and then power on through high velocity whirlwind.

Many songs will take you back to that era when Van Halen were the biggest party metal band on the planet. Fast times, fast women, and even faster riffs. I'd love to dissect the entire album song by song, but you wouldn't read it. You came here to find out if you should buy the record as an old school Van Halen fan. You should.

With expectations exuberantly high, Van Halen had a lot of hype and memories they were trying to navigate. Is A Different Kind of Truth on par with Van Halen I or II? Nope, but that doesn't mean that it isn't a fun party record.

Final Day of Ben Sommer Week Concludes with Clip Show

Craig Wettner — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 21:08:34 GMT

Just like all great shows just before the season finale, we get a clip show. Except this is more like Saved By the Bell and Full House than LOST or Babylon 5. SBTB and Full House had a clip show worked into their final episode.

Ben Sommer week started out with a simple opening salvo - a discussion of why the fuck I was dedicating a full week to a man no one cares about. The answer was simple; I lost a bet.

I decided to review Ben's latest record Super Brain, an exercise in patience as it's nuances are too complex for my sexual deviant pea brain. The album still received five jean clad dicks, because it has zero shot at getting you laid. It's too progressive for any woman. Well, I take that back. I think the only way you would be able to get a woman while listening to Ben Sommer's album, is if that woman was a man in FemSkin. FemSkin is a strong elastic body mask that will turn any body into a stunning 34, 25, 34 full bodied female figure.

The FemSkin has a fully penentratable vagina and mouth openings for the ass and mouth. FemSkin has various upgrades available (breast sizes, hair color, and a urination pouch that takes the piss from the penile insert and out through the vagina.) That is the kind of woman who would get wet listening to Super Brain. However, I think if you can get a female to wear a FemSkin the world ends. It is the equivalent of dividing by zero.

We soldiered on during the week showcasing Ben's cover songs. He chose wrong on the Black Keys next single. The next single off El Camino is Gold on the Ceiling.

The following day we went on a journey to how Earth and the Jedi's came to know of the other worldly entity known as Ben Sommer. In that story, Ben Sommer saved the galaxy with the help of Qui Gon and Obi Wan

On Wednesday, I let you read a poem about the birth of Ben and what makes him tick. Why he is who he is and why he is in prog rock and not Glam rock. The Smithsonian asked to take the poem and use it in their museum if I can get it printed on single ply toilet paper. I am trying.

Thursday we sat in the room with a young Ben as he learned who his father was and why his political ambitions are more right leaning than left. (Hint...it's Moby)

It was Friday's installment of Ben Sommer week that gave us a story about the basketball career of a teenage Ben. The story shared with us the "geekiest" line ever delivered for love:

"She responds Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left Right, B, A, Start. Ben places his finger on her lips and says "Select Start."

Hollywood has already made a movie out of Ben's basketball career, you can find it on DVD here.

We learned a lot this week together. We told some stories in the Land of Make Believe. We had our favorite pedophile mailman stop by and learned about masturbating into socks wearing FemSkin. Take care kids and see ya next week.

Adam Lambert New Lead Singer of Queen

Craig Wettner — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 20:09:34 GMT

Former American Idol contestant, Adam Lambert has a new gig. He will be the new lead singer of the band Queef. Queef seems to be a fitting band considering Mr. Lambert's personality, but what style of music do they play? Apparently dramatic rock n' roll where he can scream with his tongue out.

Hold on a second, my editor is telling me something...Queen? Really? That makes no sense.

Sorry folks, Adam Lambert has joined the band Queen. Sorry for the confusion there.

This isn't news to anyone over in Europe. You guys all saw this performance from Lambert and Queen.

What does Adam say about all this:

"After the EMAs, I heard faint little slithers of a backlash from people saying: 'You can't replace Freddie Mercury.' But I already knew that," he said. "There's no intention in my mind of replacing Freddie. That's impossible. The way I'm choosing to view it is that it's a great honour and one I'm in no way going to shirk ... Being asked to front Queen is the best thing that can possibly happen."

My thoughts? It will work because Adam can fucking sing. He is a great performer and has no trouble reaching a similar register that Freddie could/did. He's right, he's no Freddie, but as he also stated, he's not trying to be. I think he'll be better than Paul Rodgers. If that didn't make you a believer, this version of Mad World is awesome and I prefer it to the original. If that vocal doesn't show you he could pull it off maybe this album version of Soaked will. Bonus, it was written by Matthew Bellamy from Muse.

Ben Sommer Joins the Basketball Team

Craig Wettner — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 19:31:45 GMT

Benjamin went to a quiet high school near Boston. It was rough, but everyone knew their cliques and stuck to them. Ben really didn't fit into any cliques. The nerds didn't like him because he dressed like a hipster. The hipsters didn't like him because he had a collection of board games in the thousands; and not cool board games like Battleship, shitty games like Dungeons and Dragons and Kyrosuski (a Japanese game you've never heard of). The jocks didn't like him because he was a band geek. The band geeks didn't like Ben because he only played with his own clarinet and didn't bother with Clarice's clarinet. Suffice to say, Ben didn't fit in.

The only activity Ben loved was the Debate team. But Franklin D. Roosevelt High School's debate team consisted of a functionally retarded kid, a girl with expensive headgear to fix her jacked up teeth, a kid who would have been called a Goth by today's standards -- but back in 1991 he was just a loser, and Ben. "I need to bust those of these chains that bind me," Ben thought masturbating to a picture of Graham Nash.

Due to a growth spurt, Ben thought he might be able to play basketball. Surely that would garner the acceptance he sought. Tryouts were coming up and how hard could it be? The school's basketball team was atrocious; their win-loss record resembled a Nazi war crime. "I have a fantastic shot record with the basketball hoop I have over my Welcome Back Kotter trash can. I can make this team." However, the night before the basketball tryouts, Ben became violently ill - locking himself in the bathroom before undergoing a transformation unseen since Michael Jackson became white.

The next day Ben reported to the tryouts. He walked into the gym and the entire gym stopped what they were doing and turned toward the door. In walked, a newly confident Ben Sommer and luckily we have a picture of him.

Ben was taking an experimental drug (we now know as Propecia). His body hair grew out of control to the point he looked like a teen wolf. While many mocked and laughed Ben for his new hair, he loved it. Ran his hands through his luxuriously coarse wolf hair any moment he could. Several high school students began shouting WOLF, WOLF, WOLF, which spurred Ben on. He wowed the high school coach and won the hearts of his teammates.

After the first game against Rodney Dangerfield's High, Ben continued to wow teammates and schoolmates with his basketball skills. He finished the game with a quadruple double. Ben subsequently learned to use his hairy "curse" to gain popularity at school, becoming the team's star basketball player, and taking his school team from last to first. He also wins the interest of Pamela while ignoring the affections of his best friend, Stoop, who has loved him since childhood, but only for his mind.

During the final basketball game (Wheelchairs vs. Plaid Pants again), Ben refuses to take Propecia and insists on winning the game on his own. Coach Bobby Finstock tells Ben that the team is doomed to fail without his Wolf persona, but Ben is able to prove him wrong. In a dramatic ending, and with the help of five fouls from Greed $immons (the other school's bully), Ben is able to rally the team back to within a point as time is expiring. Ben is fouled one last time by Greed on the final play and given two shots. In a clear violation of the rules, Greed is able to stand underneath the basket as Ben attempts his foul shots. Ben makes both baskets and the Wheelchairs win the game by one point.

Pamela smugly expects to get Ben's attention after the game is over, but he passes her by to hold Stoop in his arms and asks if she knows the Konami Code. She responds Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left Right, B, A, Start. Ben places his finger on her lips and says "Select Start."

Ben Sommer in How I Met Your Father One Act Play

Craig Wettner — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 22:04:39 GMT

After today's installment of Ben Sommer Week, I have no idea where this is going. All of my writings and musings will have been tapped out and I just might go with disgusting poems using Ben's name. We will see where this goes from here. But I have a skit about Ben.

Begin Play

(A drap studio apartment on the Southie side of Boston. Ben's mother is in an apron cooking vegan ratatouille on the stove. Ben is about nine years old and wearing a gray shirt with different colored sleeves. Still bald).

::Ben is playing in the kitchen with a small drum kit and PlaySkool recording device::

Ben: Mommy, who was my daddy?

Mom: Oh he was a musician and a mistake.

Ben: A mistake? Why? Did you love him?

Mom: No, it was a big mistake Benjamin. Not you, of course, I love you with half my heart. My other half belongs to Mick Jagger.

Ben: Who is Mick Jagger?

Mom: Someone I wish was your dad?

Ben: Tell me mom, who is my dad?

Mom: Ok, dinner is almost done. Go and get the big leather bound book by my bed and I will tell you.

::An excited Ben runs to the bedside table and remove a leather bound book with various pictures and memorabilia. Mom serves the vegan stew.::

Mom: Sit down Ben and let me tell you how I met your father. There was a time I was in to electronic music. I liked the trance beat, taking X-stacy and spinning glow sticks around watching the trail of florescent lights. One night, I had taken some GHB and X-stacy together and found myself talking to the trance DJ of the night. He was so cute, or so I thought in my drug haze. By the way, don't do drugs.

The evening ended up back at my apartment with the DJ and when I awoke the next morning part of your potential brothers and sisters were sliding down my inner thighs and the DJ was gone. He was a very inconsiderate lover and I hope you don't turn out like your father.

::Ben's mother begins to sob::

Your father is none other than hack DJ and failed electronic artist, Moby.

Ben: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I will never be anything like that liberal, photographer, DJ!

END SCENE

I am the George Lucas of screen writing. I can not write competent woman roles.

Moby later went on to write a song about Ben entitled South Side. In the song he alludes to the fact that he has a child born in the Southie side of Boston and that he would rather ride to the West, East, and North side of town before visiting his own child. It was really Moby attempt to reconcile his own feelings on his only illegitimate son. The song wound up being his biggest hit thanks to Gwen Stefani and a damn catchy chorus.

Here is the only picture of the two together.

My It Gets Better Story

Craig Wettner — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 00:53:17 GMT

There is an ad campaign out there called It Gets Better. The idea is simple. To show kids who are gay, lesbian, whatever, that there is a life after they come out and that it gets better. If you are currently being bullied by some fat ass jock fuck who is insecure about his sexuality, it gets better. A bunch of celebrities hardly relevant to children these days (Perez Hilton) filmed It Gets Better ads. Each celebrity relays a story from their past where they have been a victim of verbal abuse, or other abuses, and how scared they were to come out and finally say "Hey look at me now, I'm a beautiful and successful 1%." Except for Perez Hilton, despite his sexual orientation, he's useless.

Nothing saddens me more than a child/kid feeling their only resort is to take their own life especially over who they are or what sexual preference they come to identify with. If you have some how landed on this page and are feeling pressured, bullied, or that you have no where to turn, please seek some professional help. I am more than happy to discuss things with you and have a few gay friends who would be more than happy to relay their story to you. Do not take this post as insensitive. For it is more meant to communicate my own It Gets Better story. I need to tell you that your dick is firmly planted inside my cheek as I write this.

Back in 2005, before I started this site with some "investors," I had my own identification issue. Where was my life going, what was I doing? I had just graduated college, was working inside my field, but found that my real passion was music and dick jokes. Music was a universal conversation starter, but I realized not many counted the tape splices in Pet Sounds by The Beach Boys. Not many went to concerts and wrote the setlists down, or took note of when the microphones cut out. "Why do you pay attention to those details? Can't you just enjoy music? What are you gay?" I found myself answering those questions a lot. I decided to experiment with my musicality.

I went to concerts and performances that were outside my comfort zone. I have been going to rock shows/concerts since I was two years old. I was "partying on hotel floors with The Rolling Stones and George Thorogood" when I was five. (All I remember are rooms full of ice and beer cans). I decided to go to find shows that were outside of Rock N' Roll to see if I was just picky because I was passionate about Rock N' Roll. The shows I went to were Celine Dion in Las Vegas, Backstreet Boys at the Electric Factory, The Lion King play in Baltimore, and Kenny Chesney at the Wachovia Center.

The venues were all different; the shows different enough to get a feel; and the performers crossed all genres. I thought the year would never end, I kept crying in my closet "Why am I doing this? This just won't end." Well once I came out of the closet, I realized it does get better. I had a vision through tearful eyes about Blogs N' Roses, a site to point out the intricate tape splices of Pet Sounds. The exact proper forum to write about microphone pops, guitar string shattering, and drunken escapades of front men during shows. The perfect place to meet musicians and help them promote their bands in my own special way. So see it does get better!

Some may not believe this story. I save all my ticket stubs and those naysayers, here are the four shows with their dates in one picture!

Ben Sommer: An Opus

Craig Wettner — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 23:27:19 GMT

Ben Sommer week reaches hump day and today features a poem I wrote about Ben Sommer's career. None of it is true. I exaggerated parts of his story immensely for comedic purposes. Again, none of this is true to the best of my knowledge.

The poem attempts to explain a few things about Ben's inspiration. Why did he turn to Rush? Why did his musical career stall? And why does he vote for Ron Paul? Let's find out, shall we?

A Long long time ago

Mom's vagina aglow

Brown hands of an Ecaduorian maid

Mom screams "I wish I was never laid"

Out pops a bald headed Ben

Instead of Doves flying,

It was only one ugly wren

A Barn full of crying

Ben never grew any hair

In school, was a big square

Teased by the dumb jocks

For liking the cocks

But Ben didn't like the cocks

To prove this he set out on quest

This will teach those big mean jocks

I'm straight, he self professed.

No one believed Ben, not even his crush

His life had changed, he turned to Rush

Intricate cords and melody impressed

Could not wait to get up on the stage left.

Others listened to Disco and KISS

Ben wished those bands would burn in Hell

Kiss? I would rather drink my own piss

Can't more songs be like Rivendell

Now a blooming music career

Still hell bent to prove he's not queer

Met a girl, Should have used her mouth hole

Made sure she wasn't on birth control.

Two kids later and music career stalled

A crucial step to get back to recording

Both kids grown up and have already crawled

Damn my music will be so rewarding!

Returning to his high school

The Jocks wearing shirts of Tool

Ben yelled Vindication

Not quite that woman's Haitian!

Only got her cuz you're a US Native

Ben's hatred for America growing

His torment by Jocks fueling his creative

I'll show them that I'm not into blowing.

His first album America'd released

Those judging partying jocks all deceased

Ben Sommer's final laugh in the end

Is he did pay for that lady friend.

The Cult Releasing New Album, Ian Astbury Like Lulu

Craig Wettner — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 02:16:41 GMT

The Cult announced yesterday they were going to release an album of brand new music. Choice of Weapon will be the band's first album in five years. You will be able to pick up the new tunes on May 22, 2011.

But in the press promotion phase, Ian Astbury sat down with RollingStone.com and made a few comments on Lulu, the Lou Reed/Metallica album.

Ian said that the record was "something I've argued with many people about. You know, everyone's saying, 'Oh, it's disgusting, it's an abomination.' You know the amount of hate they got for that record. Hate! I think Pitchfork gave it like 1, or 0.

"Lou Reed, he's a 67-year-old man," Astbury continued, "His body of work is stellar, he is one of our greatest laureates. If you know anything about Lou Reed, he's not well right now. He's deteriorating, his body's sick, he's getting frail and fragile. He's chosen METALLICA to be his muscle, to be his armor, so he can come out one more time and make a statement of what's happening in his internal life, and he's using this Weimar Republic play, 'Lulu', to put himself over.

"If you actually listen to the record, there's some phenomenal moments on it, by anybody's standards. 'Junior Dad', for example, I think is a fucking brilliant piece of music."

I said when Lulu came out (article here):

"It stinks and any "critic" or self-proclaimed musician who thinks it's great, punch them in the face for being a liar. No one with a sense of harmony could like, or pretend to like, that avant garde Lou Reed wankfest."

I stand by that statement. Astbury is looking to keep his name in the papers and being anti public sentiment about Lulu is one way of doing it. Ian is a talented musician who should be talking about the sound of the upcoming album, his inspiration on the album, and I would be glad to help promote that. But saying Lulu was good is just an utter lie.

Iron Maiden Releasing En Vivo On March 26, 2012

Craig Wettner — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 01:25:36 GMT

Iron Maiden is ready to release “EN VIVO!,” a new live Iron Maiden Blu-ray™, 2-DVDSet and double soundtrack album, on Tuesday, March 27, in the U.S.

“EN VIVO!” was filmed on April 10, 2011, in front of over 50,000 ecstatic fans at the Estadio Nacional, Santiago, during the Round The World In 66 Days leg of The Final Frontier World Tour. Here was the band's setlist:

DVD DISC ONE “LIVE AT ESTADIO NACIONAL, SANTIAGO” (approx running time 120 min.)

1. Satellite 15
2. The Final Frontier
3. El Dorado
4. 2 Minutes To Midnight
5. The Talisman
6. Coming Home
7. Dance Of Death
8. The Trooper
9. The Wicker Man
10. Blood Brothers
11. When The Wild Wind Blows
12. The Evil That Men Do
13. Fear Of The Dark
14. Iron Maiden
15. The Number Of The Beast
16. Hallowed Be Thy Name
17. Running Free

BONUS DISC - DVD DISC TWO “BEHIND THE BEAST” (approx running time 102 min.)

1. Behind The Beast documentary
2. Satellite 15…The Final Frontier promo video (director’s cut)
3. The Making of Satellite 15…The Final Frontier promo
4. The Final Frontier World Tour Show Intro

Ben Sommer: The Phantasm Jeopardy

Craig Wettner — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 23:18:24 GMT

Ben Sommer week limps laboriously on and today brings an adventure story Ben had in his early life. It's called Ben Sommer: The Phantasm Jeopardy.

The Galactic Republic is in a period of decline. In response to a taxation on trade routes, the Trade Federation organizes a blockade of battleships around the state of Naboo. Supreme Chancellor Finis Valorum dispatches two Jedi, Qui-Gon Jinn and his Jedi apprentice Obi-Wan Kenobi to negotiate with Trade Federation Viceroy Nute Gunray, in hopes of resolving the issue. However, Darth Sidious orders the army to kill the Jedi and invade Naboo with an army of battle droids. The two Jedi escape the attempt on their lives by stowing aboard landing craft and escaping to Naboo. There, Qui-Gon saves Gungan outcast Ben Sommer from being crushed by a Federation tank. Indebted to the Jedi, Ben leads them to the underwater Gungan city of Otoh Gunga; there, the Jedi unsuccessfully attempt to persuade the Gungans to help the people of Naboo, though they are able to obtain a transport to reach the Capital city of Theed on the surface.

Queen Amidala is captured by the Federation army, but is rescued by the Jedi. The Queen escapes Naboo with the Jedi on her personal starship, which is damaged on its way through the blockade surrounding the planet, forcing them to land on Tatooine, a nearby desert planet, for repairs. Qui-Gon ventures into the settlement of Mos Espa with Ben Sommer and the astromech droid R2-D2 to a junk shop to purchase a new hyperdrive generator. The queen allows Padmé, supposedly a handmaid, to journey along with them. There, they meet a slave child named Anakin Skywalker, an interesting pilot and engineer who has created his own protocol droid, C-3PO. After spending time with Anakin, Qui-Gon senses a strong presence of the Force within the boy, and suspects he may be the "Chosen One" of Jedi prophecy who will bring balance to the Force. Qui-Gon makes a bet with Anakin's owner, Watto, to enter him in a podracing tournament; if Anakin wins, he will be freed. Anakin manages to win the race and joins the group to be trained as a Jedi, but he is forced to leave his mother Shmi behind, as Qui-Gon was unable to arrange for her release. They are attacked by Darth Sidious' apprentice, Darth Maul, who was dispatched to capture the Queen.

Having escaped the attack, the Jedi escort the Queen to the Republic capital planet of Coruscant so she can plead her people's case to Chancellor Valorum. Qui-Gon offers the Jedi Council to train Anakin as a Jedi, but is rejected. Meanwhile, Senator Palpatine of Naboo convinces the Queen to a motion of no confidence in Valorum in attempt to vote for a stronger Chancellor who will help end the conflict. She pushes such a vote, but grows frustrated with the lack of action by the Galactic Senate, ultimately deciding to return to Naboo with the Jedi.

Back on Naboo, Padmé reveals herself to be Queen Amidala, the other "Queen" having been a decoy. Padmé convinces the Gungans to form an alliance against the Trade Federation. While Ben Sommer leads his people in a battle against the droid army and the Queen comes in to capture Gunray in Theed, Anakin pilots a vacant starfighter and joins the fight against the Federation droid control ship in space, and using the Force destroys the ship, deactivating the droid army. Meanwhile, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon encounter Darth Maul once more and engage him in a lightsaber duel. Maul mortally wounds Qui-Gon, but is killed by Obi-Wan; Qui-Gon's dying request is for Obi-Wan to train Anakin. Palpatine is elected as the new Supreme Chancellor, the Federation Viceroy is sent to stand trial for his crimes, Obi-Wan is bestowed the rank of Jedi Knight, and the Jedi Council accepts Anakin to become Obi-Wan's apprentice. At a festive ceremony, Padmé presents a gift of appreciation and friendship to the Gungans.

Wildstreet Release New Video Easy Does It

Craig Wettner — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 00:09:40 GMT

The band Wildstreet is one of my absolute favorites. They are the complete embodiment of every thing I love about music. Their last EP Wildstreet II Louder Faster is a MUST OWN for any music fan. You can read my review of the EP here.

The band does it again with their latest release Easy Does It. It is high velocity glam that continues where Louder Faster left off. The video is also so amazing. If you look closely, you will be able to see the band members in the video among the strippers, glitter, and sleaze.

2012 just started, but it's going to be hard to top this video. I have already worn my own dick raw watching it 40 times. Oh who am I kidding, it has only taken one viewing because I cum faster than a speeding bullet.

Guns N' Roses Returns to the Ritz

Craig Wettner — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 22:33:10 GMT

This news would be HUGE news had this been Guns N' Roses and not Guns N' Posers. During New York City's Fashion Week, Guns N' Roses will play a series of intimate shows all across the city. One of those shows will be at The Ritz. Well it's actually called Webster Hall now, but it WAS The Ritz.

Craig, who cares? What's so special about The Ritz. Sit down little Timmy and I'll tell ya.

Twenty-four years ago an upstart band named Guns N' Roses played The Ritz for an MTV show. Yes, the same MTV you now watch Jersey Shore on. Twenty-four years ago, they actually cared about music. Anyway, that venue hosted a wild and dangerous show performed by Guns N' Roses and it's one of the most sought after DVD bootlegs. Why? Because it was one of the band's all time best performances. Even though everyone of them were drunk or high, they all clicked. Every cylinder firing cum. Admittedly, I am not a gearhead. I don't know what cylinder's fire on.

This will also mark the first time the band will play the Roseland Ballroom and Terminal 5 in NYC. These venues are SMALL and if you want to go, you're going to need to get presale tickets.

Ticket presale is set for Tuesday, January 31 at 10:00 a.m. ET for the New York run, public on-sale is Wednesday, February 1. Chicago, Silver Spring and Atlantic City presale is Wednesday, February 1 at 10:00 a.m. EST, with public on-sale Friday, February 3. Tickets and VIP packages for all six dates will be available at GunsNRoses.com. Here are the tour dates:

February 10 - Roseland Ballroom - New York, NY
February 12 - Terminal 6 - New York, NY
February 15 - The Ritz (Webster Hall) - New York, NY
February 19 - House of Blues - Chicago, IL
February 23 - The Fillmore - Silver Spring, MD
February 24 - House of Blues - Atlantic City, NJ

If you want to watch The Ritz show, you can find every song on YouTube. Here is how that concert started:

Ben Sommer's Foray into Cover Songs

Craig Wettner — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 22:15:03 GMT

There comes a point in every musicians life where they must decide is money and semi-fame more important than artistic integrity. An original band in a state like Delaware, isn't going to make much money. The state is full of rednecks, white trash, and chin-strappers and those groups don't give a shit about new original music. They want to fist pump and cheat on their wives by rubbing up against some hefty chick with Delaware Eyes ^TM to the dulcimer tunes of Mr. Greenpants covering Green Day's latest opus.

Enter Ben Sommer. He has carved a niche out online (about 35 people know he exists because of the internet). But the rock n' roll community has about a billion people and the world has about 6.5 billion. That's a lot of people who don't know Ben exists. What's an aging bald rocker to do? SELL-OUT!

Ben has decided to garner more attention to his actual music, he's going to cover popular songs by bands inferior to his own skills. Here is his cover of Foster the People's Pumped Up Kicks.

But since posting that video a new challenger emerged. The Black Keys became one of the most popular bands thanks to the inclusion on the Twilight soundtracks and some car commercial jingles. Not content on selling out just once, Ben Sommer reached for his guitar to predict the next single off El Camino. He chose Sister and only time will tell if he chose the next single correctly. Here is Ben's cover of The Black Keys song Sister.

Ben Sommer's Super Brain Album Review

Craig Wettner — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 01:37:15 GMT

Ben Sommer has no one but himself to blame for the lateness of this review. Super Brain was released last year around November. He offered us the ability to stream I Married a Prostitute off the album back in September, intended as a hype machine gearing up for the release. However, I knew I would need material if Aretha Franklin didn't pass on to the big buffet in the sky. I held my review back until I could put the final touches on the Ben Sommer Weak-a-palooza. Here it is.

If you are not a fan of progressive rock n' roll, you are not going to understand this record. If you are not a fan of odd time signatures, irregular use of melody, no discernable chorus lines, and musical interludes that seem to never end, this is not a record for you. If the only progressive rock you think you have heard is the Australian Pink Floyd or Trees by Rush, then you are not going to like this record. I, however, find it to surpass Ben's first record America'd.

America'd, in many ways, was more political and pop oriented than Super Brain. It had a more melodic tone to it and less odd time shifts. I tried to count the time signature shifts and intricate chord progressions, but I ran out of digits on my hand. It's a lot. You will be listening to a song like Dark Gray Matter and a soft guitar riff is repeated only to drop away in favor of a keyboard/computer/synth futuristic sound. This song especially needs to be brought to the forefront because of it's intricate nature. There is so much going on in this five minute song, it's more of a journey than a destination song.

A song like Dark Gray Matter displays Ben's strong musical background. Ben's not making punk rock music here with an easy 4/4 beat. His music has Swizz Beats yo. Even if I wasn't holding the review back, it would have taken me months to really understand this album. One thing is for sure, the lyrical content is more literal than Super Brain's predecessor America'd. America'd focused on Ben's political thoughts on the backward nation we currently live in, which was a theme that carried through each song. Super Brain doesn't have a constant theme running through it. Each song is an Apollo 11 capsule of prog rock.

I try to find albums that you can put on and fuck to. Albums with an AC/DC like predictable beat help white guys find the rhythm needed to satisfy his woman. I rate albums based on how wet the woman's vagina is going to be just by hearing the album alone. This presents a big problem with Super Brain. Super Brain is the equivalent of telling a woman "I have herpes, let's screw." It just won't get you laid. That being said, I love it. I have listened to the album *checks iTunes plays* 16 times and each time I do I find a new instrument weaves into the threads of Ben's Super Brain sweater. Songs like Cadaverism sound like the musically analogous to a zombie chase scene. It starts out with a low, bumbling growl like a reverbed death metal vocal track. The music frenzied and crescendoing to the zombie chase scene, where you are eventually eaten. The middle "ism section" (Consumerism, Militarism, Cadvarism) of Super Brain is a collection of little musical vignettes about a minute long each.

De Profundis is a 2112 sounding instrumental at about the 2:51 mark it sounds exactly like Rush's 2112. This song took me the most time to fully understand and I can confidently say it's way to profoundis for a guy who makes dick jokes for a living.

This album is a fantastic clinic in 21st Century progressive rock. The use of current technology to help augment the somber mood of some of the songs is sublime. Ben's star has never been more resplendent. Yea I had to look that last word up to try and match the IQ of Mr. Sommer.

I highly recommend Super Brain if you are into progressive metal/rock. It will take you a journey reminiscent of the first time you heard Animals by Pink Floyd. My usual scoring rating system doesn't work, so I'll go with 5 jean clad dicks out of five.

Buy the record here.