Every year I suffer through the Grammy Awards so you don't have to. I sit there biting my tongue as no talent hacks like Jamie Foxx auto-tune the shit out of their "music." I sit there listening to every record label and self-indulgent music prick suck each other off and pat one another on the back. "Good job Roger, You REALLY swallowed that big load from Beyonce."

We hate the Grammy Awards because it is specifically designed to idolize what is popular and sheeple go out and buy the "Grammy Nominated" album. It is all marketing. The awards have ZERO clout when Milli Vanilli (renowned lip syncers) get one.

The Grammy's have even realized this as the telecast last night was spent with self-indulgent, over-the-top performances.

Some notable low lights....Elton John playing piano with that transvestite Lady GaGa. I always knew Elton was a whore for publicity (see his stunt with Eminem way back). I never thought he would lower himself to perform with today's throw away pop icon. But there he was.

Slash performed a guitar solo with In Living Color actor turned shit musician Jamie Foxx and T-Pain. If you can't sing, you use ProTools to help your voice get in the right key. If you can't sing and Pro Tools can't help you....you use Auto-tune. Some artists use Auto-tune to emphasize certain parts. Then there is T-Pain who uses it for mundane tasks as reciting his shopping list.

So Slash comes out, who is also a whore, and does a guitar solo. It is just a shame I couldn't hear one note of it. The Auto-tune was flying around the Staples Center and drowned out his guitar work. I have no idea if his guitar was even plugged in.

Another travesty is the Les Paul tribute. It was two minutes, while Pink, half naked, squirted cum all over the stage while singing. Jeff Beck barely showed his guitar capability and Les Paul deserved more than two fucking minutes. The guy revolutionized rock guitar. Shit he invented the solid body electric guitar and all he gets is two minutes.

I was really struggling to find a moment I laughed at or thought was a good performance. The Zac Brown band winning for Best New Artist beating out the hipster dance band MGMT and The Ting Tings was sweet.

And sadly, I have to admit the Dave Matthews Band put on a good performance. Big Whiskey and the Groo Grux King is probably Dave's best album and the only one I find tolerable. Too bad his annoying fans ruin it and their unending fellation of Dave, ruin it for me.

All in all it was another miss-able Grammy show. There is nothing that can save that awards show. But enjoy your awards Taylor Swift. At least Nickelback didn't win....much to Lars Wettner's chagrin.

I leave you with the Simpsons take on the Grammys.

Homer Simpson: Oh why wont anyone give me an award?
Lisa Simpson: You won a Grammy.
Homer Simpson: I mean an award thats worth something.
[announcement on the bottom of the screen- Legal Disclaimer: Mr.
Simpson's opinions do not reflect those of the producers, who don't
consider the Grammy an award at all.]