Why do I have to live in America? Our government is corrupt, our citizens are fatter than beluga whales, and our music is watered down and generic. I can live with the first two because, hey fat girls are easy and the politicians aren't screwing me over personally. But I have no tolerance for radio friendly rock music trying to pass themselves as edgy, cool, or dangerous.

We have exposed several bands to you from out of the United States (Diemonds, Voodoo Johnson, Sonic Shock, and The Darlings of Chelsea).It seems the foreign countries understand how to study the masters and mimic it while adding their own take. Don't get me wrong, we have some good rock bands here too, but they aren't sending their EP into us for review.

Well I just found out about another band across an ocean that seems to understand it. I logged into our Blogs N' Roses Facebook account to masturbate to pictures of Priya (lead singer of Diemonds). Shockingly, she had sent us an email telling us to check out this band called SexMess from the UK. I had to delay my usual 8:30 pm masturbation session to check out the band.

My porn box only allows for the searching of pornography. It doesn't like anything other than porn. This means MySpace is out and thus I couldn't hear any of SexMess' songs. But they came highly recommended by Priya so I sent them a message and they gladly sent their EP.

I couldn't find a name for this EP and it is easier to refer to something by name - thus SexMess' Fast Lovers, No Cuddlers EPwas born. I chose this name because it best expresses the band's attitude toward sex. If you want someone to make love to you and make you feel special, that pansy ass Daughtry is out there. You can kiss his bald head and enjoy your boring fuck. But if you want to broaden your horizons and unleash that dirty slut inside, SexMess is the perfect band for that.

Fast Lovers, No Cuddlers starts out with Don't Come Easy; a toe tapper clad in leather and dripping with whiskey and pussy sludge. A medium tempo, Guns N' Roses inspired song with JJ (lead guitar) channeling flashes of Slash and Louis (vocals) is the bastard love child of Axl Rose and Josh Todd with flashes of Dresden James (favorite Philly band: The Union Dead) vocal screams. The song has an excellent guitar solo to fade out the song, but it is a tad long. Not really a complaint, just an observation.

Fast Lovers, No Cuddlers takes an unexpected turn with an acoustic (rhythm) /electric (lead) number sitting at Track two. The song Fade Away shows the heartfelt caring side of the band. They won't really leave you in the morning sticky and completely satisfied. Ok, yes they will, but when listening to this song, you forget that fact. The song is driven by the acoustic rhythm work by Mitch while JJ picks and chooses times he wants to play lead electric. It is a nice soft song, in the vain of Poison's Every Rose, about not wanting to be alone or something.

I could sit here and cum all over this band and their EP, but I would rather spend the rest of the time talking about my favorite track on this album and should be the anthem of the fucking band. Nuffin To Say, which sounds like the band said "You Could Be Mine by Guns N' Roses needs a sequel."That is exactly what this song is, You Could Be Mine's sequel with gritty vocals, chorus sing a longs, pussy pleasing guitar solos, and dick enlarging rhythms.

This band is great. They have the attitude, the ability, the rap sheet, and the hunger to make it. Fast Lovers, No Cuddlers is a great Appetite for Destructionlike record with fast bluesy guitars, drunk punk vocal stylings, and crotch humping basslines. You should learn who these guys are, if only,for the fact you will see their naked bodies running from your daughter's room.

Make sure you check out SexMess' MySpace site for more information on gigs and check out some of their songs.