Every now and then a band stiffs us on an interview. We take the time to brainstorm and send them some very creative and relevant questions, so naturally the writing staff gets a little peeved if they don't answer. We can't let these questions go to waste, they're fucking gold!

Not to worry, we have solved this problem by simply recycling our creative efforts. We will never know how the Fishnet Stalkers would have answered these questions since either they or their record label didn't have the cajones to do so. Now we have no choice but to answer these questions ourselves. For added entertainment value, we will answer them in character. 

But what slightly fictional character could possibly handle questions of this caliber? Without further ado I give you the Fishnet Stalker interview as answered by the Syphilitic Penis of Gene Simmons. (note: this is merely a fictional character and should not be associated with Gene Simmons. We are also not implying that Gene Simmons has a sexually transmitted disease. I don't think Gene will read this but try not to sue us.  You were just like us once...poor, unknown and obnoxious. Don't be a douche like Lars Ulrich, you're better than that! BTW "Love Gun" is the best song EVER!)

BNR: What is the genesis of the name Fishnet Stalker?

SPGS: Did they get that from the Torah or the Pentateuch? I wish Gene had come up with a better name than KISS, sounds like a fag band.

BNR: If the band were a member of the A*Team, which would it be and why?

SPGS: I don't care, as long as this member is fully engorged.

BNR: Have you gotten more or less action since your song was featured on Speed TV?

SPGS: Personally I've gotten less action since Gene released that sex tape, and they'll never put this ugly head on cable without the FCC taking a shit.

BNR: Did you score a lot of fat chicks in the Mid-West?

SPGS: If I wasn't attached to a rich and famous Jew wearing ten pounds of make-up, I'd only get fat Mid-West chicks.

BNR: Does Stevie Diamond normally drive the tour bus naked?

SPGS: Again with the names...I wish Gene had a cool name so I'd have a fierce moniker like "Stevie Diamond's Syphilitic Penis."

BNR: You've rubbed elbows with The Union Dead, how'd that work out?

SPGS: I've done lots of rubbing, believe you me...but never against those miscreants.

BNR: What is your greatest high? Fucking a groupie or doing blow off a groupie, or both?

SPGS: What kind of a cockamamie question is that, I'm attached to Gene Simmons at the hip!

BNR: Who would win in a fight, Mick Jagger or Keith Richards?

SPGS: I'm going to skip this one, Gene doesn't like it when I talk about people who are more famous and talented than he.

BNR: Favorite on-stage drink?

SPGS: I've been drinking penicillin for years, but the AIDS cocktail is slowly becoming my new favorite.

BNR: You recently finished a tour of the West, now would be the time to disclose any embarrassing, juicy, and/or raunchy stories that need to be discussed in a public forum.

SPGS: A mouth is a mouth...found out that the hard way.